Six Things to Let Go of Post Affair

imagesLearning you have been betrayed by the very person who vowed to love, honor and cherish you until parted by death is devastating. Most betrayed partners remember with vivid clarity, every detail of the day they discovered the affair. Not one moment passes by where there is not an acute awareness of their spouse’s decision to stray from the marriage covenant. The knowledge of the infidelity is always present, in every context of life.

Survivors of adultery say you are healed when you can recall the affair and it no longer causes deep emotional anguish. Until that point, every remembrance of the affair threatens to take your breath away, but you do not have to be a hostage to depression or enslaved by fear. With consistent and focused therapy, you can recover and relinquish the toxic waste that has been weighing you down. These six things are healthy to let go of post affair:

  1. Unforgiveness– Forgiving your husband/wife may seem reasonable, especially if you’re trying to reconcile the relationship, but the affair partner? You may not even want to forgive them or perhaps it feels like an impossible task considering their blatant disregard for your marriage. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Talk to God, process your feelings in therapy, but choose forgiveness. I know it isn’t easy and it may take a while to get there, but unforgiveness will fester and spread like cancer. Forgiveness is making the difficult choice to radically accept what you cannot change and agreeing to no longer hold this egregious action against the people who caused you this seemingly unending pain. Forgiveness will liberate you.
  2. Images– If you suffer from mental images of your husband/wife with the affair partner, you are not alone. These abominable images come to your mind at the MOST inconvenient times, they are hard to erase and become the triggers that fuel many arguments and sleepless nights. They are not emotionally healthy and they get in the way of being present with the people you love. So when the intrusive images make their presence known, interrupt the experience and block them by thinking of something more positive.
  3. Despair– One of the reasons betrayal hurts so much is because it is a weapon found only in the hands of someone you love. Your enemy doesn’t have this power. Betrayal is mutiny, a violation of a trust, an inside job. After a betrayal it is common to feel despair. You may even question who you are and court suicidal thoughts. Humiliation and embarrassment become your closest friends. It’s okay to acknowledge the feeling, but don’t live here. Discuss these feelings with your therapist. Even if your marriage is not salvageable, you will recover. Divorce despair and pursue healing and wholeness.
  4. Demonizing the affair partner– It’s easier to forgive your spouse when you are trying to save the marriage and demonize the affair partner. And though there may be many reasons for demonizing him/her: decimated finances, pregnancy, STDs, etc., the brutal truth is, they (your spouse and the affair partner) are BOTH to blame. It is highly unlikely the affair partner will feel guilty enough to take responsibility for their actions or even apologize for their home wrecking antics. Don’t let this person live rent free in your head and don’t waste your precious time plotting revenge.
  5. Ruminating on the affair– Instead of ruminating on the affair and all the “what if’s,” focus on the redemption of your marriage and the new things God is doing in your life. If your partner is repentant as evidenced by terminating the affair, expressing remorse and taking active steps to repair the damage while participating in your healing, you are headed in the right direction. It is safe to stop replaying the events of the affair disclosure in your mental theatre.
  6. Interrogating your spouse– I advocate for the affair details to be shared with the offended party in order for proper emotional healing to take place. Constantly interrogating the guilty spouse, however, will only serve to push them away and you end up reliving the trauma. A good therapist will help you flesh out the affair narrative, learn the causes of the infidelity and repair the breaches. Resist interrogating your spouse and allow your therapist to facilitate the questions and answers you need in order to heal.

 

10 Signs Your Spouse Might be Cheating

adultery

Current infidelity statistics reveal that in over one-third of marriages, one or both partners admitted to an extramarital affair. This number might actually be low because affairs are under reported. Other research estimates indicate that nearly 60% of all individuals will engage in an affair at some point during the marriage.

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I do a lot of affair recovery work. My clients have taught me that sometimes there are obvious signs that the faithful spouse misses and sometimes there are no signs at all, because (sadly) some folks are just that good at compartmentalizing. The signs below are not meant to represent an exhaustive list and if present, may not necessarily mean your spouse is cheating. Every relationship is unique and you will have to discover the truth for yourself in your own situation.

  1. Emotional Distance is a huge clue that something may be wrong in your relationship. It’s hard to be emotionally invested in two people at the same time so the guilty partner creates space. The emotional distance works to create a shield that protects them from discovery. If you notice conversations becoming more superficial and your spouse withdrawing more and even becoming secretive, it could be because he/she is growing closer to someone else.
  2. Critical Attitude over the things that never bothered your spouse before such as your weight, wardrobe choices, not having things in common, the way you clean the house or cook, your appearance or even your sexual preferences and zeal between the sheets. Being unfaithful creates a lot of tension and requires the guilty party to focus on the negative aspects in the marriage. In a way, having a critical attitude helps the guilty partner justify their decision to continue their extramarital liaison.
  3. Guilt drives behavior changes. Most people cannot handle the guilt of cheating, so they respond by either showering the unassuming spouse with gifts, attention and affection or they withdraw. They may avoid eye contact and communication efforts aimed at explaining their behavioral changes. The guilty mate may pick fights, especially when the faithful spouse does something nice because it creates mixed emotions and forces the cheater to think about their actions.
  4. Grooming improves during an affair. The cheating partner may suddenly pay closer attention to their looks, change fragrances or begin wearing a fragrance, purchase a gym membership, a new wardrobe or lose weight.
  5. Evasive or unreachable when he/she used to be accessible. Text messages are not given priority and phone calls are not answered or returned. “Client meetings,” “projects” and “business trips” increase with a hyper focus placed on work responsibilities while at home.
  6. Defensiveness is a form of self-preservation. It is a way to blame your partner and says, “It’s not my fault, it’s your fault.” Defensiveness when attempting to address suspicions or making an observation about recent behavioral changes can be an effort to hide an affair.
  7. Blaming the faithful spouse for all the marriage problems and only seeing the marital relationship in negative terms. Often the infidel will flip the script and begin keeping tabs on the faithful spouse or accuse them of being paranoid, delusional or insecure.
  8. Change in behaviors such as listening to new music, picking up a new hobby, an increase in privacy, shutting doors that used to be left open, becoming more confident or more flirtatious with other men or women. It takes money and passion to fuel an affair, so look for changes in spending, a desire to suddenly control the family finances and credit card statements, working longer hours and pulling away from church or extended family.
  9. Sexual intimacy fizzles out or abruptly stops. The guilty partner moves to the guest room or the couch for “better quality sleep” because “snoring” or “restlessness” is keeping them awake. Paradoxically, intercourse sizzles with requests to try new positions and techniques.
  10. A new “friend” enters the picture and more and more time is spent with them. Talking less about interactions with certain colleagues that used to be the topic of conversation can also warrant suspicion.